My Repentance is not Complete Enough
"I am not satisfied with my repentance," you say. Great! I would be worried about you if you were. What pride and self-righteousness would it indicate, if you were saying, "I am satisfied with my repentance, - it is of the proper quality and amount." If satisfied with it, what would you do with it? Would you ground your peace upon it? Would you pacify your conscience with it? Would you go with it instead of the blood to a holy God? If not, what do you mean by the desire to be satisfied with your repentance before having peace with God?
In short, you are not satisfied with any of your religious feelings; and it is well that you are not; for, if you were, you must have a very high idea of yourself, and a very low idea of what both law and gospel expect of you.
You are right in not being satisfied with the state of your feelings; but what has this to do immediately believing on the Son of God? If the gospel is nothing to you till you have got your feelings all set right, it is no gospel for the sinner at all. This is why the gospel is perfect for you right now, and brings you glad tidings in spite of your feelings being altogether wrong.
All these difficulties of yours have their root in the self-esteem of our natures, which makes us refuse to be counted altogether sinners, and which refuses to go to God until we have something to offer him. The utter lack of goodness is what we are slow to acknowledge. Give up these attempts to be satisfied with yourself in anything, great or small, faith, feeling, or action. The Holy Spirit's work in convincing you of sin, is to make you dissatisfied with yourself. Why fight against him?
God can never be satisfied with you on account of any goodness about you; and why should you attempt to be satisfied with anything which will not satisfy him? There is but one thing with which he is entirely satisfied, - the person and work of his only begotten Son. It is with Him that he wants you to be satisfied, not with yourself. How much better would it be to take God's way at once, and be satisfied with Christ? Then would pardon and peace be given without delay. Then would the favor of God rest upon you. For God has declared, that whoever is satisfied with Christ shall find favor with him. His desire is that you should agree with him in this great thing. He asks nothing else of you. But he will not be content with anything else. He will not receive you on any other ground except being satisfied with Christ, and with what Christ has done.
Surely all this is simple enough. Does it exactly meet your case. Satisfaction with yourself, even if possible, would do nothing for you. Satisfaction with Christ would do everything; for Christ is ALL. "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Be pleased with him in whom the Father is pleased, and all is well.